This is the transcript of our friends' wedding. Feel free to use it in your own. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.
We are gathered here this fine evening in beautiful Mt. Rainier at the Boner Memorial Chapel and Plumbing Supply to witness the holy unification of Beryl and Damien -- and for free food and beer.
On this suspicious occasion, you, Damien and Beryl, have dressed yourselves in funny clothes and surrounded yourselves with strange friends --whether you like it or not, 'cause we're not letting you get away with sneakin off to some Cheezy courthouse to publicly declare your love for each other, You're going to do it right here, in this here Cheezy Memorial Chapel and Plumbing Supply... But later for that.
At this time we call upon the great gods and goddesses Isis, Wotan, Set, Pandora, Venus, Uranus, Gaia, Eros, Cupid, Comet, Zenith, Sony, Geico, Kaiser-Permanente, the Flaming Carrot, the Incredible Hulk, Godzilla, Rodan, Ultraman, Xena, Susie Cream Cheese, Betty Crocker, Miss Manners, the Knights Who Say "Ni," Elvis, and "Bob" & Connie -- Please, Oh Great Ones, Bless this Couple.
We call upon you to bestow upon this union a Large Quantity of good Vibes, Financial Independence, peace in Our Time, Excellent Drum Solos, and Liberty and Justice For All.
If anyone here present has some cause to object to this unholy alliance, let him or her speak now, and be pelted with peas.
[Objector steps forward and is pelted with peas by the flower girl]
Beryl, how do you take this man, Damien, to be your wedded husband --
[BERYL RESPONDS, WE HOPE]
And you Damien, do you take this woman, Beryl, to be your
wedded wife --
And so we have gathered here to celebrate the coming together of these two fine human beings. Y'know, the institution of marriage is an interesting phenomenon. Legalized sex. Who would have thought you'd need a license to have sex? Now, there's a few folks around who need to go to school for it, for sure, but official permission? Who needs permission? It seems to have been done successfully for thousands of years before they thought up a way to make money off of it!
And now here we are, making a mockery of this sacred event! Oh, what fun! Let's make the best of it.
Can I get an A-men?! Can I get an A-women?!
Now, you may say to yourselves, how do I work this? You may ask yourselves, how did I get here? You may say to yourselves, am I right? Am I wrong? You may say to yourself, My God, what have I done?!
Do we have the rings? [Ring bearer comes forward with the rings, fresh from whatever fast food outlet makes fried onion rings]
Beryl, repeat after me:
"Damien, I give you this ring as a symbol of fried foods everywhere, and thereby my esteem."
Damien, repeat after me: "What goes around comes around."
You may eat the rings.
Now open your hymnals and join in a hymn.
4. We're glad you two got together
And now, by the power vested in me by all you freaks and the State of Inebriation, I hereby declare this couple husband and wife! You may now all kiss the bride and groom!