Re: B6(Note: B6 is the author of the Twentieth Amendment Public Informer)
Baubel--I am transmitting to inform you that phase III of your mission must be delayed because your major disruptor has been reassigned. I am of course speaking of B6.
The trouble with B6 was exacerbated by the progression from phase II to phase III and was reported to us by an observer who has been monitoring B6 since origin. The problem is this: B6 has an arhythmic alpha wave pattern that periodically causes his hypothalamous and cerebral cortex to override the normal controls implanted within his brain. In short, he has an overactive imagination.
This condition was desirable in phase II (collegus studentia) but is quite dangerous in the current phase (megalomania) to which all earthlings aspire. B6 apparently believes that it/he is a supremely powerful being, more powerful than all the other inhabitants of Earth.The observer reports that he mumbles, "All the world is a stage, and I alone am its knowing audience." B6 may be jeopardizing the safety of other disruptors we have assigned to Earth. If B6 were allowed to continue unchecked, he might discover his function, or worse, his purpose. The latter has not been revealed, even to me by the nine supreme beings.
Since you have been chosen to accompany B6 to his new locus in quo, you must know about his current status. B6 is a rather large Earth mail. "Mail" refers to his gender, although it is the other gender whose receptor is shaped like an envelope. The other gender is called "fee-mail," possibly because payment must sometimes be made before they become receptive. Mails like B6 have a fertilizer that is shaped like a letter opener.
B6 has enormous brain capacity, so watch it, he's tricky. He often responds to questions with questions. He triple majored at college. "Major"is an Earth synonym for over-emphasis. More necessary data on B6: Skin pigmentation: white. Nature of origin: Irish Catholic. Fuel source: coffee. Gender orientation: receptor attracted. Communication devices: cosmic particle defractor, short-wave radio, voice box, middle finger.
We suspect that B6 is using his cosmic particle defractor to intercept interstellar messages. He allegedly rearranges cosmic dust into a letter and self-addressed envelope, sends the envelope to himself, and pries it apart with his letter-opener. Fortunately this message is sufficiently scrambled to prevent its interception.
You are to teleport B6 to the planet Blintz after disarming him and gaining his trust. Disarmament: You must transmutate yourself into a Irish Catholic fee-mail. Then you must capture the American flag because B6 has pledged his allegiance to this object since before he knew the meaning of the word allegiance. Use the flag to camouflage your receptor. B6 will know where your receptor is, but he prefers it camouflaged. Next, frequent the spots where B6 consumes yeast and barley mind-changer. Order an Irish coffee and whistle an Irish folk ballad while you are sipping. B6 will be completely disarmed. Caution: Avoid mentioning the subspecies "cowboy." Trust: B6 will make some statements about the universe, some sincere, some insincere, in order to see whether you agree or disagree with him. Here is a list of his likes and dislikes to guide you in this exercise.
The Green Irish/ The Orange Irish
receiving obscene calls/ prudes
data bases/ databases
cartography/ frat boys
funnels/ sorority girls
William Shakespeare/ John Travolta
Most old films/ Most new films
Once you have passed B6's various tests, look him straight in the eye and say, "I am an envelope addressed to you." This will earn you a trip to B6"s bachelor pad. B6's vehicle is equipped with an ejector seat on the passenger side, but you can neutralize its fiber-optic firing mechanism bt giving it a quick flash with your pocket ejack-o-lantern.
Once you are in the bachelor pad, make an excuse to enter the dumping station. In the dumping station will be a device called a "bathroom scale" which measures the degree of self-consciousness and the gravitational pull on a given object. You can easily convert the bathroom scale into a teleporting unit by installing a miniature molecular centerfuge and an infrared sensor under its housing.
I will be directing the teleporting procedures from a pod orbiting the Earth. You will signal the pod to commence teleporting by saying into your wrist communicator, "My, aren't you a big boy!" Caution: Do not venture near the cockpit in B6"s pad. If B6 is able to commence fertilization manuevers, you may be rendered helpless.
B6 will be teleported to the planet Blintz where the persuaders will attempt to eradicate his superiority complex. Since his individual cells will be moving faster than the speed of light, make sure that B6 is saturated with coffee fuel prior to teleporting. You are to report to the asteroid Amuk to receive final instructions and synchronization procedures.
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